Culture Mush

Well it’s a new day and Obama is now our Presidential elect. If you notice the date, you’re probably wondering how I can say this, but I may or may not have used my time machine, because I couldn’t wait to see the final result. As did the majority of America, I “voted for change”. Now that Obama is going to be our President of the United States in 77 days, I’d like to let you all (all 2 of my readers) know what change I will personally be in for now that the person I voted for has won the first time since I’ve been of voting age.

The first thing I’ll be noticing is that with the Obama’s victory comes smaller cell phone bills. I know, this wasn’t a campaign promise but this is an additional bonus. You might be wondering how this win will bring me a smaller phone bill, but it’s quite simple actually. Now that Obama has won, I’ll be getting fewer calls from the Republican camp trying to convince me that Obama is a baby killer, a Muslim extremist, and a person that doesn’t floss right. I will also have less college students calling me to tell me that a vote for McCain means that my indoor plumbing will overflow with toxic sludge. Yes, this was an actual threat and yes, I voted for Obama because the Toxic Avenger freaks me out.

The next think that will change is that I’ll actually have to take my dog outside to urinate. For the last 2 months, I’ve had enough Republican propaganda in my mailbox to cover my entire floor with glossy political pee pads. I’ll admit that I’ve fallen a few times due to the slick surfaces of the flyers, but it’s worth a few bruises to save a few bucks in pet store pee pad purchases.

One of the biggest changes is that I’ll be transitioning from the offensive in arguments with Republican pals to the defensive. I will be starting this transition in 3 days, as most people aren’t aware that the elected official isn’t actually in any position to oversee the country for 77 days. In 3 days, this country will still be in a world of shit, and many of the ignorant will say “See! I told you Obama wouldn’t change anything for the better!”. It was more fun when I could be on the attack. Maybe I’ll just tell people I voted for Pauly Shore, and I can avoid confrontation all together.

The change that hits me the hardest is that my favorite shirt is going to have to be retired. It is the “Punk Voter” shirt featuring Dubya with the words “Not My President” beneath it. It elicited dirty looks from senior citizens and rednecks, thumbs up from radicals and twenty somethings, and I always feel like a more defiant version of myself. When I wear it, I feel like a rebel and I generally live more on the edge than usual…Ordering a Sex on the beach at the bar instead of a ginger ale. Since I only have 77 days until my shirt is irrelevant, I’m going to get my $15 worth and wear it daily. If that gives me no time to wash it, so be it. It’ll stink as much as these last 4 years have, and Bush supporters around me will experience what I’ve had to put up with for the last 8 years.

Thanks for voting everybody and remember…Change is coming. Maybe a lot of the policies will remain unchanged, but at least we won’t have to see clips of Palin and McCain on SNL every week and the show will fade back into the late night cave without those obnoxious Thursday night episodes.

In a surprising move that has jolted the Democrats as well as the Republicans, retired general Colin Powell has broken his Republican ties for this election by officially endorsing Barack Obama.  Powell believes that Obama is viewed as a “transformational figure” that the USA needs, and that McCains tone throughout this election is disappointing. While he didn’t note whether it was McCain’s putrid grimaces, his robotic body language throughout the debates, or his sarcastic smirks that flash his corn colored choppers, I am pretty sure that all three of these things added some weight to his decision.

On NBC’s Meet the Press, Powell stated that “I think we need a transformational figure. I think we need a president who is a generational change and that’s why I’m supporting Barack Obama, not out of any lack of respect or admiration for Sen. John McCain.”

Many are saying that Powell’s decision is based on his racial ties to Obama, but he says that it definitely was not a dominant factor in his decision. It turns out that Powell hasn’t had the pants charmed off of him by SNL star Sarah Palin, and that McCain’s strategy of linking Obama to 1960s-era radical William Ayers is not what is needed at a time like this. In his words, “it goes too far.”

I’ve told everybody that listens to my jibber jabber all along, that Colin Powell should have been running for president. Now seeing that he has broken party lines to support the better candidate, further installs my faith in the former Secretary of State and I hope that he will one day run for office. Aside from hearing that the Raiders took it to Brett Favre, this is the best news I’ve heard all day!

The final Presidential debate is now in progress! If you’re with a group of your friends and you have a couple bottles of hooch, bust out the shot glasses and just follow these rules. It is sure to guarantee a great time, and a rambunctious after-party!

GENERIC RULES THAT SHOULD APPLY TO ANY DEBATE:
TAKE A SHOT:
-When the buzzwords “change” or “maverick” or “hope” are used
-Whenever either one says “fundamental” or “fundamental difference”
-When someone says “I voted for or against” or “He voted for or against”
-When McCain refers to Obama’s “inexperience”
-When McCain stammers and looks like he might have a heart attack
-When McCain somehow works in his personal story as a POW during Vietnam
-When McCain refers to the moderator as “my friend” or the audience as “my friends”
-When Obama somehow works in his personal story of being raised by a single mom and his grandparents
-When Obama makes a smirk, shakes his head, and says, “Look…” as a preface to a statement or follow-up
-When Obama makes the case that McCain and Bush are one and the same or uses the phrase “more of the same”
-When Obama says “John McCain is right on this, but…”
-When either one lays claims to being “bipartisan” or working “across the aisle”
-It’s a Social when Sarah Palin is mentioned!
-Finish whatever you are drinking if McCain loses his temper!

ECONOMY SPECIFIC RULES:
TAKE A SHOT:
-When someone mentions the “Bailout” of Wall Street
-When someone mentions Wall Street and Main Street in the same train of thought
-When someone starts quoting dollar figures (for example: 700 billion)
-When someone talks about mortgages/foreclosures/homeowners

FOREIGN POLICY SPECIFIC RULES:
TAKE A SHOT:
-If anyone uses the words “surge” or “victory”
-When anyone mentions a particular nation as being a potential “nuclear” threat
-When McCain talks about Islamic Radicals/Terrorists
-When Georgia and/or Russia are mentioned
-When Iran and/or Iraq are mentioned
-When Afghanistan is mentioned
-It’s a social for al Qaeda or North Korea!
-Finish whatever you are drinking if anyone delivers specifics on how to get out of Iraq “safely and responsibly”.

Big thanks to Pancakes and Kissing for these rules!

It was only a matter of time before presidential (ex)candidate John McCain threw in the towel. After the buzz of his campaign spark Sarah Palin was extinguished, the truth was exposed for all to see: John McCain is an extension of George Bush that very few want to see as our next President of the United States. During a speech in Minnesota, ‘my friend’ John McCain was pummeled with a chorus of boo’s after doing all but conceding to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

After McCain proclaimed that Barack Obama is a “decent person and a person that you do not have to be scared of as president of the United States.”, fingers were pointed and a Benedict Arnold label was instantly attached to John McCain’s wrinkled forehead. According to the AP, McCain responded to taunts from his own republican crowd by stating that “If you want a fight, we will fight…But we will be respectful. I admire Sen. Obama and his accomplishments.” When people proceeded to boo, McCain put an abrupt halt to it. He did so by taking out his dentures and making a spooky goblin face. I lied about that last part, but I think that if he had done that, those sad ones in the crowd would have turned their frowns upside down!

Of course during one point, the Muslim extremist card was thrown out by ignorant American #6723459675235. “I don’t trust Obama,” the woman said. “I have read about him. He’s an Arab.” Finally, McCain decided to do what was right and he shook his head in disagreement while saying “No, ma’am. He’s a decent, family man, a citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with (him) on fundamental issues and that’s what this campaign is all about.”

I’m not sure whether the falling poll numbers have diminished McCain’s maverick-ness, or whether he’s pissed off that he can’t beat a person that half of the country thinks is Osama Bin Laden, but it seems as if McCain is ready to lay back and take his loss like a mavericky gentleman. Barring a huge vote counting discrepancy, it looks like McCain has come to the conclusion that most of the American public has: Senator Barack Obama is going to be elected the next President of the United States.

As we all know, Florida is the land that can make or break any presedential election. This year is no different and as always, our friend Sarah Silverman has decided to voice her always offensive thoughts in the form of a PSA promoting Obama to Jews in Florida…Or should I say urging grandchildren to visit their Jewish Grandparents in Florida, to persuade them to vote for Obama.

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.