Culture Mush

Can you smell that? That’s the smell of Halloween in the air. As is with every October, we’re all greeted with severe allergies, mutated flu strains, weather that is mighty nippley, and a barrage of people who have no clue what they want to be for Halloween. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few years, and it’s that people always wait until the last minute to get the materials together. What this always results in is a bunch of people lacking creativity, people buying pre-packaged costumes from the store and people on cell phones to their friends to tell them that “everything good is sold out. There was a bunch of costumers here yesterday. I swear!”

Halloween is supposed to be the 1 day of the year in which people can be anything they want. People can transform themselves into animals, animals can transform themselves into humans, and if you are costumed correctly, you can act like a complete ass without anybody knowing it’s you. Being as it’s our one free get out of jail pass for the year, why is it always the same? I’ve concluded that Halloween costumes can be dissected into these 5 categories:

1. Women
I don’t care what kind of woman we are talking about…When Halloween comes, she is most likely going to be something really bizarre, but the word “slutty” will always precede the target costume. For example: “I am going to be a slutty nurse!” or “I am going to be a slutty bloodsucking zombie with 16 eyes!” I guess it has to do with most women wanting to be something that they generally aren’t, but what’s the excuse for the already slutty women that still stay in “character”?

2. Fratboys and Jocks
Have you ever been near a frat party or at one of those nightclubs where all the “cool people” are? Chances are that if you get around a bunch of jocks and meatheads, that 70% of the population will be in a costume that shows off their washboard abs or pumped up pecs. How many times will the characters of 300 be duplicated this year? How about the ever creative toga or the supposedly straight guy in a Chippendales costume? Anytime a musclehead has the chance to show off his physique, he will. Oh…one can’t forget the always creative pimp costume. Yes this is clothed, but how full of yourself do you have to be to actually wear this? Ya.

3. Class Clowns and Jokers
Every year, this guy will wear something clever like a giant penis costume, or that flimsy costume that has a beer keg around him with the tap near his junk. Also, don’t forget the Genie In A Bottle costume with the spout in a place near his groin, or the guy wearing a costume offering free mammograms. Ok…So pretty much every costume this guy wears will be something phallic or something urging women to fondle or caress him. Not only do these guys do this for attention, but they do this because they know women will flock to them to make naughty jokes, pose for pictures or suggestively cop a feel. This is done because the guys with senses of humor are always trapped in the friend zone with every female they know. Why not use the 1 night a year to get felt up and be the center of attention?

4. The Artsy and The Creative
These are the people that thrive on hitting up 8 costume parties on Halloween night. The hit every costume party they can to collect their prize money, and they use this to pay for Christmahanukwanzika presents. This person will be the 8 foot Decepticon that actually turns into a car and peels out after he gets the envelope with his money. He (or she) will be the person that has transformed himself into a Lego man or a living bobblehead. This person is the person that makes MacGyver jealous, as not even he could put together something as crazy as this person with materials like boxes, paper mache and styrofoam. You want to remember this person and stay friends with them until next year. Then you can have them make you something, you 2 can hit different parties, collect all kinds of prize money, and go on a 3 day binge with hookers, blow and gratuitous amounts of deli meats and cheeses…But I digress.

5. The Person That Can’t Escape Geekdom
See those guys in the corner dressed up like Storm Troopers that are having light saber fights with He-Man? How about that guy with the potbelly wearing the skintight Spiderman outfit? What about that person dressed like Chewbacca made from Pakistani alpaca fur? You get the point. If you are a superhero, a Dungeons and Dragons Character or anything from space…you fit in this category. Of course there is nothing wrong with the people in this category. After all, these people are generally the doctors, software producers and chemists in the world. You make the world go around, so enjoy your geekiness to the fullest!

Sure there are the other people that don’t dress up, or the lazy ones who just throw on an afro wig and a sign describing what they are (made with a ballpoint pen on some notebook paper), but they don’t deserve their own category. It’s Halloween for hell’s sake. Lighten up and have fun! With that having been said, have some fun and be safe and remember: If she’s dressed like a girl but her voice is a little deeper than normal, do not go in for some sugar. She just may be a he!