No Light At The End Of Black Friday

So you are now passed THE DAY in which you stop worrying about your lackluster bank account, your home in foreclosure and your empty fridge. You are now taking a break after hitting every store and shopping mall in your city, and spending $326 in gas to save $43 on some useless items that are still 10% cheaper online than what you just paid. You spent approximately 7 hours and fifty two minutes fighting delirious zombies for parking spots, just to come out and see shopping carts piled up around your car, and three fresh dents. These dents will cost $400 to repair, unless you find one of those car body specialists at a Swapmeet to do it for $50 bucks and a bottle of Popov Vodka.

Now that you’re home and staring at the pile of shopping bags, shoeboxes, and that empty box that contained your $400 “High Definition“  television that will break down 2 days after its 30 day return policy, were the blisters on your feet worth it? How about the bags under your eyes that are big enough to carry all the needless junk you just purchased, after pulling a 72 hour bender fueled by heart raging Red Bulls, triple caffeinated Starbucks coffees and cavity causing Cinnabons? Was trampling a security guard doing his job at a Walmart in order to save $20 on Guitar Hero worth the life of another?

Today like millions of others in America, you took your debt to a whole new level by forgetting about the necessities and stocking up on overpriced luxuries thanks to Uncle Amex and Auntie Visa. You put your families wellbeing on hold to purchase something that you think might be of use, because the term 20% off SALE was attached to an item that as marked up 30% since last week. Your short term memory hindered your better judgment, and you forgot that these practices are what got you in this tornado of trouble to begin with. For 1 day, you saw the light, and it was a neon one spelling out the words SALE.

At the end of the day when that lighted SALE sign sputters and shuts off into nothing but darkness, it will be then that you realize why they call the day after Thanksgiving…Black Friday.

Diagnosis: A Bad Case Of The Old

Not to be braggadocios, but I was born young. As a toddler, I zoomed around the house, ate like a horse, used a diaper to do my business, and cried off 3,000 calories an hour. After I got out of that stage, I was still young, and I started playing tennis. 3 hours a day, 2 tournaments a month and then an hour a day at P.E… Plus some time spent at recess chasing girls around. If you are wondering, yes I stopped wearing a diaper once I made it to Kindergarten. After that stage, I got towards the Junior High and High School days. I was still young. I was playing tennis 5 hours a day, 6 days a week, playing basketball for 2 hours a day, and swimming 20 laps to cool down. In between the training, I had 3 tournaments a month, traveled about 20 times a year to various events, and I still spent my off time chasing girls. One might say that the “young” gene was strong in my genetic code.

As college arrived, I was still blessed with “The Young“. I was playing tennis 5 hours a day between classes, spending 2 hours in the gym or running, and I was still chasing the female species. Shortly after arriving at the University and playing Division 1 tennis, my shoulder decided that it would be cool to dislocate every 5 minutes, which made for a cool, but painful party trick. A torn labrum was the diagnoses, and it was at this time that the disease hit. No, it wasn’t scurvy of the shoulder. I had begun to battle a case of “The Old”.

The early stages of “The Old” weren’t very alarming. It first began with my personal rejection of the car stereo Gods. The first sign of my fleeting youngness was when I pulled up to a car at a stoplight and shot a glare to the driver because his stereo was shaking MY rear view mirror. Of course at that point, I had a 2,000 watt stereo in my car, but it dawned on me that I hadn’t cranked it up in quite some time. My first thought was that I was just having a bad day, and that I should attempt to admire the earth rattling thump, but the more I tried to appreciate it, the more it started to sound like a kicking midget encapsulated in a cardboard box. This was about the time that my dad and I shared a common view about something which of course struck me as odd. Was I done fighting the power and raging against the machine?

The next stage of The Old began right around the time that the car stereo annoyance kicked in. I have to start by rewinding back to the junior high days. Around the age of 13, I would be sitting in class and ignoring the teacher as usual while shooting off glances towards every female in my general vicinity that didn’t have 4 arms and 7 legs. Occasionally I would catch a peek of some exposed leg, or a classmate in a tight shirt, and I would get a funny tingle where I pee. I can even admit that after feeling that spark almost every 8.3 minutes, I was called up to the board a few times to solve math problems, in what resulted in a walk of shame. It was a shame because I didn’t know what to do with this thing, and all the girls in the class only liked to do “the thing” with things that belonged to older guys.

At 18, strip clubs with friends were like amusement parks, and any woman that brushed by resulted in a love affair that would last 3 minutes filled with dirty thoughts, a grimy lap dance and a depletion of my already limited amount of money. As I hit the beginning stages of the old, I realized that the walks of shame had disappeared, strip clubs were just something to take friends to when they come to town, and Skin-a-max is actually pretty damn boring. Once sexual desensitization occurred (at least in the case of my mind…the part still functioned as it is meant to), The Old became a real issue that I had to battle, and I had a hunch that it would only get worse as time went on.

Aside from the mental hang-ups of The Old that calmed my whoozymawhatzit down, negative physical side effects kicked in as well. The most noticeable of them all, was the inability to eat 16 cheeseburgers, 14 orders of fries and 8 milkshakes without gaining a pound. This was something that I was able to do daily before The Old kicked in. Now that this disease is in full effect, I’m lucky the be able to eat a Soy chicken breast, a glass of water and a slice of tofu without adding girth to my spare tire. What used to be a junk food fueled 12-pack has now become a health food fueled 4 pack with insulation. Looking around me at other guys with The Old, I find it hard to believe that this side effect will ever disappear. Since it’s a losing fight, I’ve decided to just pray that my wife sees me as a lovable teddy bear with some sex appeal in the upcoming years, as opposed to a gargantuan slob that needs male lipo every 3 months. I say male lipo, because I don’t know of a single guy that has had this procedure done. It’s as rare as seeing a male nurse, unless all of your friends are Filipino men.

The final stage of The Old isn’t too noticeable until you are made aware of it, which I will now do for you. It is most noticeable when sitting down or standing up. If you are in a chair right now and in a completely quiet room, stand up and have a good listen. Do you hear that grunt exhaling from your chest in an attempt to stand? How about the cracking joints that resemble the sound of popping popcorn? If you do, you too are experiencing what I am: A bad case of The Old.

You have two choices once this disease hits and I won’t sugar coat it:
1. Accept The Old as a totally natural occurrence and enjoy your life as it’s been intended. Let your joints get creaky, embrace the emergence of wrinkles, use your gut as a table to rest your dinner plate on, and enjoy bitching about everything.

2. Fight the onset of The Old! Erase wrinkles by getting massive amounts Botox shot in your face and getting a facelift to stretch you tighter than a drum. Lose the joint creaking by replacing all of your bones with NASA developed exoskeleton components like Anquan Boldin’s face (this is proven to work…Boldin has like 32876 fantasy football points this year…you too can do the same if you robotize yourself). Eat all you want and lose fat by creating a permanent incision that can accommodate an industrial sized dust buster, and suck out any excess fat that may accumulate on a weekly basis. ** If you really want to go the extra mile, replace your private part with a button activated, spring loaded device wrapped in latex.

Regardless of what which path you choose, I wish you the best when dealing with this disease. It’s never a fun thing, but just think…In a few years you can take advantage of senior citizen discounts, and you can get even with the younger generations by having them change your Depends and cleaning your house!

**Women can also fight this disease by using the same tips above, but by avoiding the button activated, spring loaded device wrapped in latex…and opting for a couple of chesticle fun bags popped into place to give you the appearance of being forever perky.

The 7 Steps to Intellectual Superiority

Being as I have never been the most handsome guy, the most financially well off, nor have I been blessed with the highest IQ, I’ve had to get through life in a manner which many around us have: By mastering the ways of always appearing intellectually superior to the individuals that I associate with. While you might be wondering how it is possible for a person with a small IQ to portray himself or herself as an intellectual giant, I guarantee you it is quite simple if you follow the 7 golden rules.

  • Step 1. When having a heated debate or just a conversation with an individual, be sure to work lots of percentages into the discussion. Actually learning correct statistics about anything and everything is a daunting task, just mentally prefabricate an ad lib style format in which random percentages can be plugged in. My favorite goes something like this: “Yes, that is a good point but are you aware that __% of all ______ experience _______ at least __ times in their lifetime?” Add about six variations of the percent-lib and you’ll have your ass covered in all situations.
  • Step 2. There will be times in your life when a friend will come to you for advice, as you are of course supposed to be viewed as an intellectual giant. In times like these, it’s essential to memorize some obscure quotes from famous writers that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. After quoted, you must always follow it up with the words “think about it.” and make a mysterious exit. An example in which this could be used:
    Herman says: “Derek…My girlfriend cheated on me last week and has contracted genital herpes. What should I do about this?
    Derek says: “As my pay B.F. Skinner would say, “The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do. The mystery which surrounds a thinking machine already surrounds a thinking man.” Think about it. ::turns slowly and walks away::
  • Step 3. Go Green. The next time you purchase a car, make sure it’s a Prius. If you need clothes, make sure they are made of 100% hemp. Need a place to live? Build a mud hut on an abandoned lot using sticks, weeds, grass, sand and sewage water. Make sure everything you use is run off of solar power or by breathing through a straw. Once you are as green as a frog, make it a point to rag on all of your friends that don’t follow in your footstep. Anytime you see them eat a meal that came in a wrapper or drink from a disposable bottle, make sure to roll your eyes and blurt out something about their carbon footprint and how their actions alone are leading to the melting of the polar ice caps.
  • Step 4. During a political election, make sure that you can’t find a single issue that either popular candidate represents, and throw all of your support into the independent candidate. Knowing that you are a part of the 5% that will be voting for somebody like Ron Paul makes you different than 95% of the nation. Of course the smaller percentage of the population is really “in the know”, so why not become part of that elite club. Sure somebody like Ron Paul will never win, but at least it gives you a reason to bash any leader in office for the rest of your life.
  • Step 5. Be sure that you do not own a television. Well, maybe you can own one and watch it when nobody is around, but make sure that you hide it when friends are near. Anytime you hear a group of people talking about something on TV, be sure to exclaim something like “Television rots your cerebral cortex and diminishes your sperm count. If people would just read books all day like I do, the world would be a peaceful place where people eat nothing but gum drops and defecate nothing but beautiful rainbows.” The fact that people are in shock that you do not watch TV will be enough to make them lose sight that you used the words “gum drops” and “defecate” to illustrate world peace.
  • Step 6.  Be sure that you keep up with the American craze of downing coffee by the gallons, but be sure that you don’t indulge at Starbucks. While the majority of people spend $597,456 a piece on Starbucks annually, you can be proud that you’ve only spent $67,876 at the local Jammin’ Java. Aside from the organic Icelandic coffee and the skim soy milk that Starbucks doesn’t sell, you can also brag to your friends about your collection of 400 vinyl records that you’ve picked up there from artists that nobody has ever heard of. That sure beats their Elton John CD’s and their collection of insulated coffee cups!
  • Step 7. Become a spelling Nazi. Scour every piece of writing that a person outputs on the internet, and be sure to pick out every spelling error. If that person is debating with you, make it a point to correct their usage of “your” when it should be “you’re”, and make sure that you discount their intent 100%. Everybody knows that proper grammar and spelling far exceeds the importance of intent.

There you have it…7 simplistic steps that will always make you look intellectually superior to anybody that you associate with. If used correctly, you will notice that people avoid conversation with you in order to avoid feeling like a peon, you will never get invited out with friends because they don’t want to listen to your always correct criticisms, and people won’t come to you for advice because they’ll feel you are mentally out of their league. That or maybe you’ll just be free of all I mentioned in the last sentence because people will think you’re an asshole. Hey…at least if you’re friendless, you’re still an intellectual stud, and that’s all that matters, right champ?!

What Change Means To Me

Well it’s a new day and Obama is now our Presidential elect. If you notice the date, you’re probably wondering how I can say this, but I may or may not have used my time machine, because I couldn’t wait to see the final result. As did the majority of America, I “voted for change”. Now that Obama is going to be our President of the United States in 77 days, I’d like to let you all (all 2 of my readers) know what change I will personally be in for now that the person I voted for has won the first time since I’ve been of voting age.

The first thing I’ll be noticing is that with the Obama’s victory comes smaller cell phone bills. I know, this wasn’t a campaign promise but this is an additional bonus. You might be wondering how this win will bring me a smaller phone bill, but it’s quite simple actually. Now that Obama has won, I’ll be getting fewer calls from the Republican camp trying to convince me that Obama is a baby killer, a Muslim extremist, and a person that doesn’t floss right. I will also have less college students calling me to tell me that a vote for McCain means that my indoor plumbing will overflow with toxic sludge. Yes, this was an actual threat and yes, I voted for Obama because the Toxic Avenger freaks me out.

The next think that will change is that I’ll actually have to take my dog outside to urinate. For the last 2 months, I’ve had enough Republican propaganda in my mailbox to cover my entire floor with glossy political pee pads. I’ll admit that I’ve fallen a few times due to the slick surfaces of the flyers, but it’s worth a few bruises to save a few bucks in pet store pee pad purchases.

One of the biggest changes is that I’ll be transitioning from the offensive in arguments with Republican pals to the defensive. I will be starting this transition in 3 days, as most people aren’t aware that the elected official isn’t actually in any position to oversee the country for 77 days. In 3 days, this country will still be in a world of shit, and many of the ignorant will say “See! I told you Obama wouldn’t change anything for the better!”. It was more fun when I could be on the attack. Maybe I’ll just tell people I voted for Pauly Shore, and I can avoid confrontation all together.

The change that hits me the hardest is that my favorite shirt is going to have to be retired. It is the “Punk Voter” shirt featuring Dubya with the words “Not My President” beneath it. It elicited dirty looks from senior citizens and rednecks, thumbs up from radicals and twenty somethings, and I always feel like a more defiant version of myself. When I wear it, I feel like a rebel and I generally live more on the edge than usual…Ordering a Sex on the beach at the bar instead of a ginger ale. Since I only have 77 days until my shirt is irrelevant, I’m going to get my $15 worth and wear it daily. If that gives me no time to wash it, so be it. It’ll stink as much as these last 4 years have, and Bush supporters around me will experience what I’ve had to put up with for the last 8 years.

Thanks for voting everybody and remember…Change is coming. Maybe a lot of the policies will remain unchanged, but at least we won’t have to see clips of Palin and McCain on SNL every week and the show will fade back into the late night cave without those obnoxious Thursday night episodes.

Categories Of Halloween Costumes

Can you smell that? That’s the smell of Halloween in the air. As is with every October, we’re all greeted with severe allergies, mutated flu strains, weather that is mighty nippley, and a barrage of people who have no clue what they want to be for Halloween. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few years, and it’s that people always wait until the last minute to get the materials together. What this always results in is a bunch of people lacking creativity, people buying pre-packaged costumes from the store and people on cell phones to their friends to tell them that “everything good is sold out. There was a bunch of costumers here yesterday. I swear!”

Halloween is supposed to be the 1 day of the year in which people can be anything they want. People can transform themselves into animals, animals can transform themselves into humans, and if you are costumed correctly, you can act like a complete ass without anybody knowing it’s you. Being as it’s our one free get out of jail pass for the year, why is it always the same? I’ve concluded that Halloween costumes can be dissected into these 5 categories:

1. Women
I don’t care what kind of woman we are talking about…When Halloween comes, she is most likely going to be something really bizarre, but the word “slutty” will always precede the target costume. For example: “I am going to be a slutty nurse!” or “I am going to be a slutty bloodsucking zombie with 16 eyes!” I guess it has to do with most women wanting to be something that they generally aren’t, but what’s the excuse for the already slutty women that still stay in “character”?

2. Fratboys and Jocks
Have you ever been near a frat party or at one of those nightclubs where all the “cool people” are? Chances are that if you get around a bunch of jocks and meatheads, that 70% of the population will be in a costume that shows off their washboard abs or pumped up pecs. How many times will the characters of 300 be duplicated this year? How about the ever creative toga or the supposedly straight guy in a Chippendales costume? Anytime a musclehead has the chance to show off his physique, he will. Oh…one can’t forget the always creative pimp costume. Yes this is clothed, but how full of yourself do you have to be to actually wear this? Ya.

3. Class Clowns and Jokers
Every year, this guy will wear something clever like a giant penis costume, or that flimsy costume that has a beer keg around him with the tap near his junk. Also, don’t forget the Genie In A Bottle costume with the spout in a place near his groin, or the guy wearing a costume offering free mammograms. Ok…So pretty much every costume this guy wears will be something phallic or something urging women to fondle or caress him. Not only do these guys do this for attention, but they do this because they know women will flock to them to make naughty jokes, pose for pictures or suggestively cop a feel. This is done because the guys with senses of humor are always trapped in the friend zone with every female they know. Why not use the 1 night a year to get felt up and be the center of attention?

4. The Artsy and The Creative
These are the people that thrive on hitting up 8 costume parties on Halloween night. The hit every costume party they can to collect their prize money, and they use this to pay for Christmahanukwanzika presents. This person will be the 8 foot Decepticon that actually turns into a car and peels out after he gets the envelope with his money. He (or she) will be the person that has transformed himself into a Lego man or a living bobblehead. This person is the person that makes MacGyver jealous, as not even he could put together something as crazy as this person with materials like boxes, paper mache and styrofoam. You want to remember this person and stay friends with them until next year. Then you can have them make you something, you 2 can hit different parties, collect all kinds of prize money, and go on a 3 day binge with hookers, blow and gratuitous amounts of deli meats and cheeses…But I digress.

5. The Person That Can’t Escape Geekdom
See those guys in the corner dressed up like Storm Troopers that are having light saber fights with He-Man? How about that guy with the potbelly wearing the skintight Spiderman outfit? What about that person dressed like Chewbacca made from Pakistani alpaca fur? You get the point. If you are a superhero, a Dungeons and Dragons Character or anything from space…you fit in this category. Of course there is nothing wrong with the people in this category. After all, these people are generally the doctors, software producers and chemists in the world. You make the world go around, so enjoy your geekiness to the fullest!

Sure there are the other people that don’t dress up, or the lazy ones who just throw on an afro wig and a sign describing what they are (made with a ballpoint pen on some notebook paper), but they don’t deserve their own category. It’s Halloween for hell’s sake. Lighten up and have fun! With that having been said, have some fun and be safe and remember: If she’s dressed like a girl but her voice is a little deeper than normal, do not go in for some sugar. She just may be a he!

Skinhead Assassination Plot Thwarted

Just when you thought the world couldn’t get any crazier, we get news that some twisted neo-Nazi skinheads were planning on going on a massacre. Their plans were to rob a gun store and invade a predominantly African American school were thwarted when Federal Agents stepped in.

The 2 men (if we can call them that) had planned on killing 88 black people, while decapitating another 14. Their “grand finale” was to end with the assassination of Senator Barack Obama. While the two men didn’t think the final act could be carried out successfully, they seemed more than willing to die trying.

With the Presidential race heating up and racial tension at a peak, most of us can only hope that the election ends on a positive note. Thankfully this plot was squashed before it had legs, but those men had better hope that their newfound cell buddies can look past their distorted beliefs. Something tells me that they won’t have a whole lot of fun carrying out whatever sentence is coming their way…Especially if they are apparent with their beliefs as this guy below!

Guns N’ Roses Releases Chinese Democracy

Well, it’s official. It seems like Axl Rose and Guns N’ Roses might actually be ready to release Chinese Democracy to the masses. However, judging by some of the feedback I’ve seen, not everybody is impressed. I guess when you take 14 years to complete an album and your band is legendary, expectations run rather high. All in all, I like the track, but it’s definitely no Welcome To the Jungle. I’ve added it under all these words for your listening pleasure.

According to the label, November 23rd is the release date for the album. Chinese Democracy is a 14 song album co-produced by Axl Rose and Caram Costanzo. It will be available on CD, digital download and vinyl through Geffen and Black Frog. Pre-orders begin today, so it looks like we might have a chance to hear this entire thing before Axl goes bucknutty and scraps the entire project once again.

Call me crazy, but I think we’re about to finally see a multiplatinum album on the charts. I think the only thing that Americans have been more anxious to see in recent times, is the departure of George Bush!

Liberals Hate Real Americans

At this point of the election, I didn’t believe there was a single thing that could shock me anymore. We’ve had people criticizing Obama for his Pastor, his name with Muslim ties (when did being a Muslim all of a sudden mean that you are evil), comments that his wife has made, and just about everything else. We’ve seen fanatic candidate supporters from both sides that haven’t a clue about the candidate they support, and a vice presidential candidate that doesn’t even know what the job of vice president entails…For the record Sarah (may I call you Sarah?), Article I of the Constitution establishes an exceptionally limited role for the Vice President — giving the office holder a vote only when the Senate is “equally divided”: The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.). Can this race to the Whitehouse get any goofier?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes. On Saturday while warming up a crowd in North Carolina, Republican Rep. Robin Hayes offered the some shocking statements. According to Hayes, “liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve and believe in God.”

Of course the Republican spin doctor Amanda Little said that Hayes 100% denies making the comments that appear in the Observer article. She noted that other national reporters that were at the event and didn’t hear anything even remotely similar to what the Observer reported. However, audio has been released from the Robin Hayes speech and he has finally owned up to his comments…but of course, he says he didn’t really mean it.

If you are liberal, have a listen to this and start making all the country bumpkin and redneck jokes that you want. If you are a republican, bow your head in shame and pray tonight for some representatives that can actually do you proud.

Scrambling QB Leveled By A Ref

What a crazy season of football we’ve all been treated too. There have been some huge college upsets, a NFL free of any truly dominant teams (Hello Cowboys? Hello Patriots?), suspensions for tardiness (Plaxico and LJ), preseason Las Vegas beat downs (Javon Walker), very few notable Chad Ocho-Cinco or TO endzone celebrations, and the fall of Pacman Jones…Again.

As if all of these events weren’t enough, the refs have behaved just as bad! The muscle-head Ed Hochuli has botched not 1 big call, but 2. Luckily the burly Ed Hochuli wasn’t the ref involved in this newest turn of events, as the QB that got dealt with might have ended up in the hospital. Watch as scrambling quarterback Stephen Garcia gets leveled by an opposing…referee!

Colin Powell Gives Obama The Nod

In a surprising move that has jolted the Democrats as well as the Republicans, retired general Colin Powell has broken his Republican ties for this election by officially endorsing Barack Obama.  Powell believes that Obama is viewed as a “transformational figure” that the USA needs, and that McCains tone throughout this election is disappointing. While he didn’t note whether it was McCain’s putrid grimaces, his robotic body language throughout the debates, or his sarcastic smirks that flash his corn colored choppers, I am pretty sure that all three of these things added some weight to his decision.

On NBC’s Meet the Press, Powell stated that “I think we need a transformational figure. I think we need a president who is a generational change and that’s why I’m supporting Barack Obama, not out of any lack of respect or admiration for Sen. John McCain.”

Many are saying that Powell’s decision is based on his racial ties to Obama, but he says that it definitely was not a dominant factor in his decision. It turns out that Powell hasn’t had the pants charmed off of him by SNL star Sarah Palin, and that McCain’s strategy of linking Obama to 1960s-era radical William Ayers is not what is needed at a time like this. In his words, “it goes too far.”

I’ve told everybody that listens to my jibber jabber all along, that Colin Powell should have been running for president. Now seeing that he has broken party lines to support the better candidate, further installs my faith in the former Secretary of State and I hope that he will one day run for office. Aside from hearing that the Raiders took it to Brett Favre, this is the best news I’ve heard all day!